Just thinking...

Ithaca, 29 Sept 2009

So I had this conversation with my school mate this afternoon that I thought is pretty interesting and funny too, I guess in ironical kind of way. But, of course, as with most stories, it's always more entertaining when you are there and is involved in the conversation, so bear with me if it's not that interesting.

Remember that we had this talk after a long day, and I was almost ready to head home. It was 9 pm and he wasn't planning to stay that much longer, too. So, both of us were pretty tired by then, thus the stressed out tone and some non sense with a hint of truth.

Y: So, I talked to Professor R today and she said that she doesn't have any funds available right now. I think I'm just going to approach all other professors one by one.

Me: Oww... so you told Prof. R that you are going to find other projects now?

Y: No no no.. I don't want to tell her that. She told me to go back to her at the end of the semester and also at the start of next semester, but for now she doesn't have any opportunity. So, there is a possibility for next semester, but she sort of kept me hanging.

Me: Yea.. you know, I'm going to start looking for professors in other department too.

Y: It's supposed to be research first and funds second. It's pretty sad that for me it's funds first and foremost, then research.

Me: It's not that sad. That's sort of what I'm thinking too.

Y: I've worked for 6 years in a company before, and you know what I learn? I learn only one thing: what ever you do, it doesn't matter as long as you have the income. Six years, and that's what I learn.

Me: Hahaha.. but you know, if you have the money, when you get rich, you'll start thinking about what's the meaning of having money..

Y: What do you mean?

Me: Yea, like when you are already rich, then you don't know what to do with the money and why you want it in the first place. What do they call it?? Err... Mid-life crisis!!

Y: I want that!!!

Me: You want to have a mid-life crisis???

Y: Yea yea, I'll worry about what is the next step when I get there, but for now I want it. Hahahaha...

Me: Hahaha the funniest thing I heard today...

It gets me thinking... (which I probably shouldn't start because I often confuse myself and today is not a good time to get more confused than I already am.)

I guess in one way or another, we are torn between our idealism and practicality. For some lucky and rare ones, they are able to have both. But for the rest of us, we are sometimes trapped in situations where we are forced to live in practicality alone. We would live in a world we build for ourselves, where idealism gets shut out every time because of circumstances, like what my friend said about money, unsupportive environment, and fear, too. I think every time it is turned down, a bit of our happiness dies with it. It is like crossing out your dream list one by one and slowly putting out the fire in your heart, until one day, you don't even have the spark in your eyes.

There is something about idealism that is bothering. It lurks, even when you say no to it. Passion hides, they don't go away. Dreams haunt, and they stay a very long way. That is probably why when you force yourself to forget about them and choose the safest way, you'll never be truly happy.

So, from my conversation with that friend, I figured that like he said, maybe living practically is actually buying midlife crisis for sale? And when the warranty expires, then we'll think more about it...