For a while now, there are two ways that I look at people, especially those I don't know that well. Either you are lower, or you are higher. And that goes in almost all aspects, be it financially, academically, based on life stability, personality, talents, age etc. And when I meet people who I naturally judged as being in the lower category, I felt more confident, I felt the pride, and the ease of sharing thoughts or advice. The exact opposite happens when I'm with somebody higher. I immediately tend to shut down, afraid of being scrutinized, or scared that they would successfully open that sacred veil revealing that I'm nowhere near great. So, then I mainly feel uncomfortable, insecure, and simply awkward near somebody greater. As if not knowing about something is a grave sin.
Now the problem is, I'm in Cornell. Not just in Cornell, but in the graduate program of Cornell. And that means, everywhere as I look left and right, my neck hurts from looking up all the time. As I inch forward, I shut myself more and more. The more I do that, the more my heart and also my brain shrink to the size of a pea. That's never good. I look up and thought, heck, whatever I do, I will look stupid, the things that I say, they will get trampled right away. So it becomes a vicious cycle, nobody wants to be in the middle of that. It's a cycle where I fear of people and I fear of not succeeding, but the more I fear, the less motivation I have and the less work is done, which heightens the fear some more. Vicious.
I haven't felt like this ever. Maybe bits and pieces of this side of me came out before and I didn't realize it. But being here just shines a very bright light on it. How do I get out of it? My first reaction is to run away. Just leave everything, pack up my bags, make sure I got my pea-sized heart and brain with me, and move somewhere else where they can grow back to a normal size. At one point, I said, I don't need all this. Why am I keen of challenges, moving somewhere harder, and strand myself in the middle of a situation I can't get out of. Most of the world fairs well with a Bachelor's degree, most also fairs well with an education from a normal university. Why would I let myself go through this. You'd thought that I would have a good answer, but unfortunately I don't.
But, for all that is worth, this is clearly a slap across my face. A hard one, telling me not to judge anybody in the first place. Nobody is lower nor higher than you are. A second slap, telling me I can't survive by myself. Either I need God, or my beloveds, or friends, or even strangers, or maybe simply a couple bottles of beer :). A third slap, telling me to take a hard look at myself and try to say "Girl, I love you for who you are". And hopefully by the third slap I know how to take a step out of the circle.
A snail-paced learning indeed, a worthy one, a needed one, at a precise and perfect time, as has been divinely planned from the beginning. And for right now, as I take my itty bitty steps and nurture my heart despite of any situations, I will try to remember this:
"I decided a long time ago that I didn't have to be talented. I just had to be persistent, and that was something that I could control — the persistence." - Kate DiCamillo
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