Love Song for Numero Uno

Still in love with this song

In the twinkling stars that dance like fireflies
In the blushing fruit that hangs upon the vine
In the face of a baby as he forms his first smile
I see you

In the whisper of the wind's soft lullaby
In the laughter and the roar of the rushing tide
In the song of a sparrow as he takes his first flight
I hear you

Why do you hide among the nameless and forgotten
Why do you walk along these long forsaken roads
Calling to me in the hungry and the homeless
Calling me to water your thirst

So I'll give you my heart and my song
In a world where so much is right
But so much is wrong
Your love is my beginning and I know it won't be too long
Till I see you, I hear you, I love you

2010 Status

Grocery Shopping

I went to Wegman's yesterday with a shopping list. After I got home, I realized I had forgotten to buy something. I didn't grab a toothpaste, but somehow I came home with a value pack of toothbrushes instead.

Dear self, foryour future reference:

- Always, always stick to the list

- No impulsive shopping, please

Day 1 Hawaii: Flying Delta

Human beings, with brain, soul, and heart, could plan a path as close as they want it to be. We don't have wings, but we fly. We know about gravity, and that we defy. But this we should know: plans have to be approved and clearly we can't sign it ourselves, the Big Boss does it. And yesterday was one of those days where everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

It started out with me waking up late for the flight. I knew it! One of these days that would happen. I wasn't planning on sleeping at all, but ended up sleeping for a couple of hours. Unfortunately my alarm just decided to abandon its honorable duty and completely failed on me. I'm not sure how, but at 5 am, my eyes just opened and I knew that something has gone terribly wrong. I sprinted my way to my travel buddy's place to pick him up and went to the airport ASAP. We ended up being OK for timing, but apparently something else other than my wake up call had gone wrong. We were already in the plane, when the airport personnel announced that they had to get 5 people to volunteer to go on another flight because of plane overweight issue. If they can't get volunteers, they'll just start walking down the aisle and picking random people. Finally, 5 brave souls offered to get off, and off they went with their $400 Delta vouchers. That drama took a significant amount of time that we were running really close to the next flight's departure time. We landed in Detroit at 8 am, while the boarding time for our flight to LA was at 8 am. Needless to say, we needed to run. My travel buddy ran first because he didn't have to wait a while to get a check in luggage, and given that he's tall, he had a good chance of getting to the gate even faster and beg whoever to stall the flight for a few minutes until I came. I got my luggage and ran. That's when I thought back to the many times where I ate chips instead of doing a little jog, and regret it. That 15 minute run seemed like forever, what with me being unfit and all. The sms I got saying, "You need to run, they're closing the gate in 8 minutes," from my friend did help get my adrenaline pumped even more. And finally I reached the gate, and we were the last ones to go in. The plane couldn't take off immediately because it started snowing so it had to be defrosted for a while before going to the runway.

Once in LA we got about 3 to 4 hours of lay over, killed time by eating lunch and hanging out in a sports bar and then we went to our gate. One point in our meal I made a comment, "Weather looks fine, our plane seems to be here, I think this one's gonna be good." But of course not! There was a mechanical problem with the plane and they couldn't fix it. So, they are waiting for another plane coming from New York. Two hours later, finally we boarded. While in the plane, they announced that there is a problem with the catering because they have to the get the food from the old plane to the new one or something (by that time I was already tired and didn't care to listen well). But, an hour later, they announced that there was another mechanical problem on the new plane that needed to be figured out. Sigh... At least they seemed to be apologetic about it and gave us free movie access for the ride and $50 Delta voucher (which I was told might not be able to be used because they'd have crazy date restrictions). So, the flight ended up to be delayed for about 4 hours, before we finally took off.

So, finally, after a long day, at 10 pm, we said "Aloha!", as we landed safely in Kona, Hawaii. We went to the condo that was lent to us for the week and crashed. Well, I was actually still awake til 1 am, somehow. Another eventful day with Delta.

Snail-Paced Learning #3

For a while now, there are two ways that I look at people, especially those I don't know that well. Either you are lower, or you are higher. And that goes in almost all aspects, be it financially, academically, based on life stability, personality, talents, age etc. And when I meet people who I naturally judged as being in the lower category, I felt more confident, I felt the pride, and the ease of sharing thoughts or advice. The exact opposite happens when I'm with somebody higher. I immediately tend to shut down, afraid of being scrutinized, or scared that they would successfully open that sacred veil revealing that I'm nowhere near great. So, then I mainly feel uncomfortable, insecure, and simply awkward near somebody greater. As if not knowing about something is a grave sin.

Now the problem is, I'm in Cornell. Not just in Cornell, but in the graduate program of Cornell. And that means, everywhere as I look left and right, my neck hurts from looking up all the time. As I inch forward, I shut myself more and more. The more I do that, the more my heart and also my brain shrink to the size of a pea. That's never good. I look up and thought, heck, whatever I do, I will look stupid, the things that I say, they will get trampled right away. So it becomes a vicious cycle, nobody wants to be in the middle of that. It's a cycle where I fear of people and I fear of not succeeding, but the more I fear, the less motivation I have and the less work is done, which heightens the fear some more. Vicious.

I haven't felt like this ever. Maybe bits and pieces of this side of me came out before and I didn't realize it. But being here just shines a very bright light on it. How do I get out of it? My first reaction is to run away. Just leave everything, pack up my bags, make sure I got my pea-sized heart and brain with me, and move somewhere else where they can grow back to a normal size. At one point, I said, I don't need all this. Why am I keen of challenges, moving somewhere harder, and strand myself in the middle of a situation I can't get out of. Most of the world fairs well with a Bachelor's degree, most also fairs well with an education from a normal university. Why would I let myself go through this. You'd thought that I would have a good answer, but unfortunately I don't.

But, for all that is worth, this is clearly a slap across my face. A hard one, telling me not to judge anybody in the first place. Nobody is lower nor higher than you are. A second slap, telling me I can't survive by myself. Either I need God, or my beloveds, or friends, or even strangers, or maybe simply a couple bottles of beer :). A third slap, telling me to take a hard look at myself and try to say "Girl, I love you for who you are". And hopefully by the third slap I know how to take a step out of the circle.

A snail-paced learning indeed, a worthy one, a needed one, at a precise and perfect time, as has been divinely planned from the beginning. And for right now, as I take my itty bitty steps and nurture my heart despite of any situations, I will try to remember this:

"I decided a long time ago that I didn't have to be talented. I just had to be persistent, and that was something that I could control — the persistence." - Kate DiCamillo