I have to say, I'm feeling a little mellow today. I think it's partly because I haven't been paying much attention to my faith lately and today at Church, I was pretty focused compared to usual. For me, this week's reading reminds me to reposition my dreams and priorities, to seek wisdom and act wisely, to know what has the utmost importance. I had a small conversation last night that somewhat triggers me to think again about the things that I would want to do. It was an interesting conversation. It started off with, let's say you can turn back time and choose your major again, but this time already knowing what you know now at mid 20s, what would you choose. One said he'd want to be a music composer, he's taking an MBA now. Surprisingly for myself, I could not place my finger on any particular subject. Would it be journalistic, or environmental science, or education, or renewable energy? What would I do if money is not important, what would make me truly happy?
Unfortunately money IS important for me. Everybody wants at least a decent life, having a house of your own and a car to safe you from heat, rain, and sweaty guys on public buses. Lately, I've been counting my own resources. I've counted my savings and the amount that I would spend here while I'm in Europe. I counted how long would it take for me to pay off a mortgage for a small house with the salary that I will likely have in Indonesia. I haven't thought if I would be capable to sending my kids off to college overseas yet, but for that I can always follow the suggestion in one of the insurance company advertisements: teach your kids how to dunk a ball and send him off using a basketball scholarship. You see, money does matter. I'd love to travel once in a while, like having a Southeast Asia tour or something. I think about money, I would want to have it. But it's evident that it hinders us to pursue what we love. Or else the question "what would you do if money is no problem" would not arise.
Continuing on the conversation I had last night. Dreams are different for different people, and I respect that. So, the person was talking about working at the job really hard, become an expert on it, climb the corporate ladder, and retire at 40 when you'll have all the time you want for family or to explore the things you've always wanted to do. The catch is, until 40, you will probably work like a dog, having little sleep, little personal life and little family time. Then I asked a rude question: what if you die at 39? He said, that would just suck. I guess while that plan seems "realistic", it means that you are planning to start your life when you're 40, while all along your life has actually started long time ago. You are forcefully putting a halt on it and taking the assumption that you will still be alive when your life plan starts. A pretty risky thing, in my mind. Thus, the real question becomes how do I be happy in a realistic way? Realistic in this case means having money.
These questions, I know, can be answered with wisdom. Now, hmmm, where can I buy one of those? Today's reading is what struck me hard:
"Resplendent and unfading is wisdom, and she is readily perceived by those who love her, and found by those who seek her. She hastens to make herself known in anticipation of their desire. Whoever watches for her at dawn shall not be disappointed, for he shall find her sitting by his gate. For taking thought of wisdom is the perfection of prudence, and whoever for her sake keeps vigil shall quickly be free from care; because she makes her own rounds, seeking those worthy of her, and graciously appears to them in the ways, and meets them with all solicitude."
Then the reading was followed by the gospel about 10 bridesmaids who were waiting for the groom to come. Five were sleeping and they ran out of oil for the lantern, five were wise and they kept their oil. When the groom came, the ones who ran out were away to get more oil and so they missed the banquet. The wise and vigilant ones kept their initial invitation and were welcomed. This is a story of prioritization and self-organization. Knowing what's important at what particular time, and what to do to prepare for the future. This is a story about wisdom.
In Steve Jobs commencement speech, he said that if you want to know what you should be doing, imagine death, the most certain thing about the future. Think about what you want yourself caught doing the day you die and think about the things that you want people to say about you on the funeral day. Do those things today. In the end, nobody will praise you for your good grades, for your corporate positions, for having travel the world. Steve Jobs, in the eulogies, was not praised much for being smart, he was praised most for being hard working, creative, and passionate. Nobody said anything about him being rich and how wonderful it was for the family to be inherited his abundance possessions.
When I think about death, I think about God. For those of you who believe in God, no matter what form, I think the answer for the things to do before you die is whatever that makes God happy, whatever things He said He wants us to do. Even the most ridiculous things, like doing a handstand while hula hoop-ing or something of that kind. Because I know that it's my last attempt to do what He asks of me. If this is the kind of thing to be done then all the validity of my question about what would bring happiness while being realistic at the same time will vanish all of a sudden. It becomes a foolish question. All that remains is what does God ask of me today, what would be the wise thing to do? As simple and as deep as that.
When the music fades, and all is stripped away, and I simply come. Longing just to give something that's of worth that will bless Your heart. I'll bring You more than a song, for a song in itself is not what You have required. You search much deeper within through the way things appear. You're looking into my heart. I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You.
I'm trying to fade the music, and strip everything else.
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