But as of now we just have to be strong
To keep going, moving
Forward, even when only echoes answer back
There's a lot to say, yet I don't feel like saying them, nor feel that there's a need to do so. But I've been coming here for a relieve, and this time it's no different.
If you see this, I want you to know that you are still wonderful.
After you left, I did not cry. It was as if I did not have a heart, and I thought that since I felt nothing, then I was already OK with everything. I did not know that it was a phase called denial. Later at night I finally had my burst, around the time when we chatted and you said thank you. I felt like the worst person in the world.
That night I was blessed because I talked about many things with a friend until well past midnight. And I was actually laughing out loud at many points during the conversation. She helped me do so.
The next day, I was blessed because my sister and I went out the whole day. She kept me company and we also had a good day at the mall, avoiding the rain. And later at church and back at home. She should know that she helped me a lot.
A friend told me that my blackberry profile picture looked sad. I said that it's just because he knew what's going on, therefore had the perception. He insisted that I looked sad even if he did not know. So, I put on a smiley face and took another picture. He said my eyes still gave my sadness away. I told him to give me a month, I'll work on it.
I'm blessed that tomorrow I'm going home. A little away from civilization, meeting old friends, and meeting my parents. I'm going to be home and I am going to find my way home again.
Until then I'll survive with fake smiles and forced twinkle in my eyes. I'll practice them until they come naturally. I'll find things to laugh about even if I have to compensate it at night. Hopefully, I'll learn to laugh when nobody's watching as well, soon.
And when everything else has failed, and I know that they will, our Friend awaits with open arms. With an open palm to keep the tears and account every drop as if each one needs His love. He'll take my struggle personally, until the day I personally struggle through it. And I know that He will ask me to work on the pain of this world alongside with Him, to heal my own.
So I hope you will also find great people to surround yourself and to laugh about anything even if it comes out fake at first.
And I guess there's nothing else to do but give thanks.
There's a horizon behind the farthest line
Where the ocean and land meet the sky
Don't be blinded by the lies
Be reminded
Just look into my eyes they'll say that
I love you always
I'll love you even when your heart breaks
-Melissa Polinar
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