I thought he liked me too. Of the many instances that I gazed at him, I caught him looking back. So, I thought he stole glances, too, like I did, so I started keeping track of the times that our eyes met. We never talked, well, close to never, unless you count hi bye's in. I was too afraid of the things that I would say wrong or too afraid of rejections. Some of my close friends knew, except one, because I knew that she liked him, too. She confessed that to me, actually, to many people. But, the fact that she did it first denied me the right and access to say what I truly wanted to say to her. I thought that was what a good friend suppose to do, to let your friend have their one of the first fantasies of love, because you started to understand yourself how wonderful it was. Especially when I felt that he had something towards me, which I got from the glances. I truly thought so. But, in the end, neither of us ended up with him. Towards the end of semester, he got together with a girl whom I thought did not suit him. I did not understand, didn't we have something?
Another good friend of mine liked a boy whom I knew liked me. This time it was more than glances. It was borrowing books, trying to joke around, calling, but somehow I wasn't interested. There was a period when I was quite the feminist. I had things going right in life, I did not need boys around. I remember telling an older girl that I did not know what is the purpose of being in a relationship. From what I saw what kids my age would do is hang around holding hands, and nobody lasted over a year. I said to her, I did not want to play around, I did not understand what I should do if I am in a relationship with somebody who I didn't really know, what would we talk about? Therefore, I adamantly stated, I would only have a boyfriend when I am in college. I wish now that she had countered my arguments, but she didn't. I think I convinced her. The boy did come and ask me out. I said no. Then, I could not hold myself from letting my good friend who liked him know about all these. She did what a good friend suppose to do, listen and let your friend had the first experience of being on the powerful side of rejection. Then, after that, watched as karma came back to do some ass-biting.
I blamed it on hormone imbalance. You could certainly disagree. Not long after I rejected him, I started to grow some feelings. Don't ask why, I never had reasons for most of the things I did at that age. But it was too late, and revenge was more powerful that rejection. Long story short, he asked another girl out right in front of me. People asked me, are you alright? Standing up for my pride I said, yeah, it was a mean thing that he did, and she was stupid enough to want to be what obviously was a rebound. But, I laid down thinking that night that I was probably the stupid one, a laughing stock, the girl with ridiculous stands, trying to be smart when she's not. And I got my heart broken, which funnily did not leave me feeling sad, but somehow angry.
Those were some of the first loves that shaped my heart. Through which I broke hearts and got mine broken, too. But, those were the necessaries, that taught teenagers that love is more than glances and attractions, and friends while being together in confusions, sometimes have to suddenly become more mature and do what friends do. And those are the things that finally make you believe the cheesy lyric of a pop song by Rascal Flatts, "God bless the broken road, the lead me straight to you." It's funny how time enables you to laugh at yourself who were being laughed at by others. It's funny how love teaches balances, good bad, yes no, ugly beautiful, past and future.
Boys are never my forte, unfortunately. I was uneasy around them. When I was 19, I was asked, do you know what kind of wedding dress you want to wear? Things like that were the furthest things from my imagination, I could not even make up a lie about it. The best answer I would have was: White? Girls who had dresses, venues, menus made up in their minds for their weddings at an early age were just those in movies. In real life, we just don't do that, I thought. My close friends were somehow not attached, too. So, I didn't have any pressure to go into any relationship. But, I have to admit that there were moments in my early twenties when I started to wonder, what is it like to have a boyfriend?
At the end of my senior year, I got my answers. When you felt that you are with the right one, everything becomes easy; you become easy. I started to let my guards down. Being a twenty something girl with no experience at a relationship, I was told by some that I was playing it hard. Some tried to scare me by telling me that when I am 40 and still have nobody, I would just take anyone and regretted my earlier decisions. But, the truth is, I wasn't playing hard. The guys that I fancy do not like me, and vice versa. Like Michael Buble would say, it's as simple as: I just haven't met you yet. When I did say yes to the guy who asked me out, what was my answer to my previous question? One word: mind-boggling. I could not believe that there is somebody whom I liked, who liked me back. Somehow the probability does not make sense in my mind. My mom, in the nicest way told me that it's a miracle. Thanks, Mom. But, it's probably true, some sort of a miracle just happened. I just couldn't believe that it happened to me.
That first day of our relationship, was awkwardly beautiful. It was the first time somebody had really hold my hand. He was reserved, he asked first for my hand. He dropped me off at my apartment and had wanted to walk me to my door. I said, no it's OK, I can walk myself there. I have always walked myself, and wouldn't be incapable of that once I got a boyfriend. I wasn't smart enough to just let him do it. He was sick, unfortunately, so he went back to his place to rest. He said he'll come back to my place before he leaves town in the afternoon. I got back to my apartment and started calling some friends excitedly to tell them the good news. I locked myself in the bathroom and did silly dances. I cooked the best porridge that I could for him to take for dinner. When he came back to my place, he gave me a hug before going off. We'll see each other again in a week. I told him that I had to get used to this, I meant the hugging. But, I knew that nice things would not take long to get used to. I've always been a fast learner anyways, or at least that's what I say in interviews.
Two and half years later from that first day, it's hard to pick where to start when talking about what has changed. A lot, I felt like. But at the same time, it's like being on a swing. You move a lot, but you are swinging around the same spot. You just feel more comfortable and less fearful of the heights. A lot of the personality is still there. We are together, yet are still two different people. So, the differences that we have seen since the beginning are still around, the similarities that bring us together are still around too. So you can imagine that although we are closer together and we grow into each other, the things we fight about are the same things that came up in the first 2 weeks of the relationship. Some may say that means you are not progressing, but I think the progress lies in the fact that now we know that we start to accept differences or willing to try change ourselves for the better.
This summer 3 of my girl friends experience love. One got together with a guy from Australia, one is in something called Ta'aruf which is a relationship above merely being boyfriend and girlfriend and somewhere below an engagement, and the other one is exploring the possibility of being together with an American. So, all of us are in a long distance relationship. We sat down on a late Friday night (three of us, the other one has left Ithaca) in a bar-like restaurant over cups of frozen yogurt discussing our takes on love, on how a girl should be to a guy, on how we feel towards touches, on special occasions in a relationship, on the possibility of marriage, on what girls usually fall for and on anything we felt like talking about. For me, I felt much different than where I was as a 14 year old girl trying to define the love that I would want (I'd be scared if I am not). I felt like we've moved away from mere glances or touching hands, we are learning that love is seeing: what's good and bad, what to change or retain, arranging future, etc. It is also holding: the words you partner say, trusting his decisions, his heart and your own heart close to you. And it's talking, A LOT of it: skype, calls, emails, text, bbm, and prayers. Love is no longer about the drama, heart breaks, or crushes, it feels more like real life, it feels like a gift. As you grow up, you'd be thankful of a gift, but you wouldn't be on the floor throwing a fit if you don't get one.
We joked around saying that our guys are just not willing to stay in a rural city like Ithaca, that's why we are all in an LD relationship. The waiter asked if he could dim the light; the bar was almost closing. There came a couple who just got married, just the two of them without their friends or family members. The girl looked like she was pregnant. She went to the restroom for quite some time. The guy sit down quietly waiting for the girl to come out. His expression was flat. Meanwhile, the bar singer sang his heart out to the small but appreciative crowd:
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, if feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
2 comments:
Wonderful.
I hope I can feel such love too in the future.
I had no teenage dramas (only one-sided, from-afar crush), and still single since birth :P
But I don't mind :D
Of course u don't mind.. singleness is great! haha..
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