I once studied in Singapore. Very hard. I was a pretty good student; I did my homework in time, I reviewed the class material, I learnt test topics a few days before hand. It was the environment that molded me into the diligent responsible girl at that time. Before I graduated from my Singapore high school, I had a small talk with a friend and I told her, "You know, I've studied like this for a few years now, I don't think I can change this style when I'm in college later. I think it has stuck." And of course, I was wrong. Duh...
Turns out that I wasn't like that anymore in college. I slacked off here and there; one time I was really really late going into a test (although to my defense it was not on purpose). In times when I am on a roll in terms of my discipline, whether it's spiritual discipline or in other routines, I do feel that it's the best thing ever and it will last forever. But the truth is, my discipline is easily shattered, which is why I have to keep myself awake and aware all the time. For example, I have not been doing my night prayer for a while now. A couple of months ago, those night prayers were the very thing that sooth my heart and head and I am fully aware of their power. But once I stopped, it has become a burden to start again.
I am like that, in and out in my faith and the things I believe in. For sure it is nowhere near exemplary. But, I can also use it as a way to re-learn things; to question again and again, and peel off layers of doubts one by one. People say that when you are in a long-term relationship, the moments that feel the most wonderful are those right after you mend things after a huge fight. Those are the times where you fall deeper into a person that you know as imperfect. That might be true. And in the case of faith, hopefully, after a "dry season" we can be deeper in love after re-discovering Him again.
The Christmas season is the time for that re-discovery as it is a reminder of the birth of the cornerstone of the Christian faith. On my morning rides to the office, I usually listen to the radio and there's a song by Pink that has been played quite often. The part of the chorus says:
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again.
I like that. That I can have my do-overs, that there is such patience that waits for me to keep on going despite of fall backs. There is a love that does not discard me because it believes that I am not broken, just bent. And I can always learn to love again.
Happy second week of advent!!
No comments:
Post a Comment