First of all, if you have suicidal thoughts, let me say that I am sorry the world has been so harsh. I am sorry that people around has been insensitive and ignorant to your pain. And I plead with all your remaining strength, love yourself the hardest that you can and reach out to somebody. Because, you are always worth the fight and the feelings and thoughts you have at any point are never eternal.
I came into a counselling room the first time around 10 years ago. I was so ashamed and I felt like a crazy broken person who just couldn't patch herself together. At that time I was doing a Master's thesis at Cornell, one of the Ivy League's school in the US. Which meant that I was super smart, on a path of success, has little to worry, and by all definition should not be in that counselling room. But, there I was in front of a psychologist and a generic white tissue box.
This week we heard a news of the suicide case of Mr. Gregory Eells who passed on Monday morning in Philadelphia. He was the head of mental health services at University of Pennsylvania and started working there in March this year. Before that, he was the head of Counselling and Psychological Services at Cornell for a good 15 years. When I entered that counselling room for the first time, Mr. Eells was heading that department. It was a very important department for me because there I received help from a young Asian American counselor; indirectly, I received help from Mr. Eells.
I cannot imagine the grief felt by his family right now; all the thoughts of could haves and would haves that are most probably torturing. All the unanswered questions that would remain so for a long time if not forever. As an outsider, the case is baffling. How can somebody who has worked on mental health for as long as he did suffered tremendously from mental health? How can a person who has helped countless students, unable to also get the good help for himself?
The questions above were also questions on other people who seemed to just be the last person ever who would have committed suicide or has a mental health problem. Take Robin Williams (how can a very funny cheerful man had done so?) or Kristen Bell (a beautiful Disney princess having depression?). But, questions like these exactly point out the fact that mental health is so much deeper and so much hidden that what appears in somebody's lives. The shame associated with it is also too huge for people to carry around bare.
We live in a world where we are always defined; by society and by our own selves through certain standards and dreams that are somehow etched in our head. When we fail that standard things start unraveling. I am not good enough, I am not loved, I am a failure, I am not worth it, I do not belong, I am doing bad, the world would be better if I am not here. We fear things that may not be true, we assume about what others may think and say, we see only the good side of other people's lives. Mental health issues are these, and so much more, and at a complexity a lay person may not understand. I am not saying that getting professional help is the only and the best solution, but it is one of it. It is an emergency button one should chance if possible.
The second time I went to a psychologist was around 5 years ago. At that time she offered me to take medicine to complement the sessions. I did not want to, because I did not want to feel like I was "crazy" or I did not want to acknowledge any level of its severity. At work, a female director whom I worked with before passed my table when I was working over time and casually asked how I was doing. I told her frankly how I was and so she sometimes would look out for me. About a couple months after when I was coping better she invited me for lunch. In our conversation, in the kindest way possible she told me to think whether the type of job I was was right for me. In other words, I might not be a good fit for the company. In other words, the company might not be a good fit for me. She turned out to be right. Not everything fits us, and when it doesn't, we suffer.
Human beings are complex. We get overwhelmed by many reasons: grief, work, family matters, finances, studies, traumatic experiences, death, sickness, gloomy weather, parenthood, loneliness, failures, romantic relationships, the news, anything really. There will be times when things get too much to bear and we have to take care of ourselves exactly like we do when we are sick. There is no shame, nothing odd in getting sick, and it is not terminal, we will get better.
I do not know Mr. Eells and all the burdens he faced. I wished at least he realized that he helped people and he helped me, and that is in itself a life worth living.
Remember to always be kind to people around you and be kind especially to yourself. Get as much fresh air as possible daily. Call your friends and loved ones. Watch your favorite movie and read your favorite book. When your environment is toxic, may you have the courage to leave. And may nothing else is valued more than your own well being, physical and emotional.
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